j (crackedxhalo) wrote,

I finished.

So. I pushed. I pushed harder than I knew I could. And I made it.

I graduated from college. Not only did I graduate, I was able to obtain a double major / double minor. I set myself up to actually get into medical school.

I thought for a long time there that I was done. That I was just going to be the guy who talked about becoming a doctor, but just quit because it was the easier pathway. I thought I might just take the easiest route, the one of least resistance. I was lost. I didn't know what I needed, or where to go.

And when I was at my deepest point. The point where I felt like I was wallowing in my own self pity, a dog with his tail between his legs. Broken and beaten, without an ounce of enthusiasm for the person I once was, I met the girl of my dreams. Not the romantic relationship by any means. Oh no, this was a true friendship. Very rare to find among two people whose paths crossed at a perfect time.

From this relationship I began to mend. I began to feel again.. I began to wake up to what I could become. Not only did my inner self begin to return, but so did my sense of adventure. My zest for life returned, in pieces, but it returned. I began to have desires to explore and experience again, so I acted upon them. And with my best friend in tow, life became everything I ever could have wished for.

During this time I had all the experiences I had been holding back on trying. When opportunities presented themselves I no longer played the safe card. I figured I had hit the bottom, so what did it matter?

I wish I had had a copy of 'Oh, the places you'll go!' when I had been on my journey. Perhaps I could have seen my situation for a bit more of what it was, but through it all I was able to become self-sufficient, mature, and successful. I have proven not only to everyone else, but also to myself that I am deserving of the love and caring that I receive from the important people in my life.

There were many times when I thought that love was something I was no longer allowed. I felt like I had failed, and that was my punishment. But Courtney smiled at me, and my heart began to fill with joy again. Not the joy that I put in myself, not the antidepressants, not the depressants, not the stimulants, not the intoxicants, but instead, real joy. From her I began to forge my own family, forge my own life.

No longer was I the orphaned boy, but I was a man. Standing tall, standing proud. Unwaivering of the people who stood around me. People who once looked at me as a child, now looked at me like a man, a man who earns respect.

I feel like I have finally achieved the person I have wanted to become for a long time. I finally feel like I know where I'm going, and what I want to continue to achieve. I believe in myself. I will be going very far.

So, through all of this little blog, I have finally found my end. I started as a way to express myself when I felt like I couldn't at school. Well, more like when I just didn't know what to say out loud. But as I found my voice I realized I needed this less and less.

Thank you for being there journal. Always my backup to my battles, always the shoulder I needed, Always a great listener. For all the people I thank in my life, I have to also say thank you for being something when other people couldn't.

Here I go. Eyes set on becoming a doctor. Bachelor's degree under my belt.

Brains in my head. Feet in my shoes. The journey is mine, whatever path I choose.

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