j (crackedxhalo) wrote,
j
crackedxhalo

Xgiving

In accordance with my usual routine of posting on thanksgiving, here I am, typing away at the end of 2008. It's now been a little over four years since I started this journal. It's holds my holidays, my bests, my worsts, my insignificant nothings. Despite my embarrassment of ever admitting that I have this weblog, I cannot say that I do not cherish it, because of it's memory being ever better than mine.

This thanksgiving is being spent with my pseudofamily, the meiers. I am back in Boise, ID after a nice reprieve from this state which I used to call my home. Coming back many have noted that I am now a resident of washington state. I'm not quite sure if that means anything to me, besides the fact that I receive instate tuition. It is almost as though I have lost my original tie to this place. I am no longer of this province. I do not receive it's benefits, nor do I affect it in any other way than spending my tourist money. It seems somewhat traitorous to this land that I lived in for twelve years. I am better off by leaving, but I do feel slight pangs of sadness that I will never be here again.

I walked around downtown Boise yesterday with my mother who had come up from the fiefdom of Twin Falls. The streets were empty, likely due the fact that it was the day before thanksgiving. But, they were so empty as to make it seem that there was nothing left for even the people who lived here. It appears desolate, a dying organism that was once the town I believed to have great prosperity.

My views have changed of this place, instead of dreams, I see stagnation, or perhaps stasis. This town seems to achieved equilibrium. Peaceful, with the quaint touch of outdoors activities, but likely to be slow to adapt to the rest of the world. The achievements of others that will be likely to affect the world will not be discovered here.

I do tend to have exceedingly high expectations of those around me, but perhaps it is time that i just let this one be what it is going to be. I will not be putting in the effort to change it. It will be here, and perhaps that is what is also extremely comforting. Some part of my history that will never be changing. Ever consistent, with an occasional upgrade, like old family computer that occasionally receives the new operating system update when almost all programs have switched to it.

My four year anniversary of coming out to my mother is this break time. It is after four years though that I finally feel comfortable enough with myself to be myself in not only in this town but in all life. It took my escape from this town to be able to realize who I wanted to be, but it took my return and reconnection to it that has brought to where I am.

So, this thanksgiving, while I thank those in my life, I will also be thanking this town. Thank you Boise, thank you for giving me my life, my experiences, and the abilities to reflect on my own history and appreciate it.
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