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I finished.

So. I pushed. I pushed harder than I knew I could. And I made it.

I graduated from college. Not only did I graduate, I was able to obtain a double major / double minor. I set myself up to actually get into medical school.

I thought for a long time there that I was done. That I was just going to be the guy who talked about becoming a doctor, but just quit because it was the easier pathway. I thought I might just take the easiest route, the one of least resistance. I was lost. I didn't know what I needed, or where to go.

And when I was at my deepest point. The point where I felt like I was wallowing in my own self pity, a dog with his tail between his legs. Broken and beaten, without an ounce of enthusiasm for the person I once was, I met the girl of my dreams. Not the romantic relationship by any means. Oh no, this was a true friendship. Very rare to find among two people whose paths crossed at a perfect time.

From this relationship I began to mend. I began to feel again.. I began to wake up to what I could become. Not only did my inner self begin to return, but so did my sense of adventure. My zest for life returned, in pieces, but it returned. I began to have desires to explore and experience again, so I acted upon them. And with my best friend in tow, life became everything I ever could have wished for.

During this time I had all the experiences I had been holding back on trying. When opportunities presented themselves I no longer played the safe card. I figured I had hit the bottom, so what did it matter?

I wish I had had a copy of 'Oh, the places you'll go!' when I had been on my journey. Perhaps I could have seen my situation for a bit more of what it was, but through it all I was able to become self-sufficient, mature, and successful. I have proven not only to everyone else, but also to myself that I am deserving of the love and caring that I receive from the important people in my life.

There were many times when I thought that love was something I was no longer allowed. I felt like I had failed, and that was my punishment. But Courtney smiled at me, and my heart began to fill with joy again. Not the joy that I put in myself, not the antidepressants, not the depressants, not the stimulants, not the intoxicants, but instead, real joy. From her I began to forge my own family, forge my own life.

No longer was I the orphaned boy, but I was a man. Standing tall, standing proud. Unwaivering of the people who stood around me. People who once looked at me as a child, now looked at me like a man, a man who earns respect.

I feel like I have finally achieved the person I have wanted to become for a long time. I finally feel like I know where I'm going, and what I want to continue to achieve. I believe in myself. I will be going very far.

So, through all of this little blog, I have finally found my end. I started as a way to express myself when I felt like I couldn't at school. Well, more like when I just didn't know what to say out loud. But as I found my voice I realized I needed this less and less.

Thank you for being there journal. Always my backup to my battles, always the shoulder I needed, Always a great listener. For all the people I thank in my life, I have to also say thank you for being something when other people couldn't.

Here I go. Eyes set on becoming a doctor. Bachelor's degree under my belt.

Brains in my head. Feet in my shoes. The journey is mine, whatever path I choose.
i have swine flu...

but i just came back from john and yoko's wedding. it was amazing and i finally feel like i am where i am supposed to be.

life is tough, but it wouldn't be fun if it wasn't.

one last year of school. on my way out.
i have little ability to manage my own money..

finals time again. then get out and work a lot to make money to pay off my steadily climbing credit card bill.

and take one class this summer. finish my minor.

find a research position.

my head hurts. caffeine withdrawal is a bitch.. that's what i get for forgetting my soda at the store.

summed up.
I finish my minor this summer.

MCAT in august.

Genome/PChem/BioChem Lab in Fall (painful...).

PChem/Inorganic Chem in Winter 2010(finish my last minor*** AND MY MAJOR!!!!).


***[ A minor in chemistry when I'm a biochemistry major, excessive. Take one of the classes in the required electives [inorganic chem] and get the chem minor.. why not? I've already been here this long might as well get as much out of it as I can.]

Fucksake.. I'm slow at this whole thing, but I'm thinking it's worth it.

I applied for the Student Health Consortium Director position job at UW. It spurred the realization that I had come full circle from two years prior. In the major I should have been striving for at the time.. With the friends I should have had (minus the ones who have moved away).. The motivation and self-esteem I should have had.. The self-control I should have had.. The selflessness I should have had.. But, the past is nothing more than a reference point, and the important part is that I am where I am now.

It hurt then to know that I was nowhere near ready for my pathway. Yet, I kept spouting about it persistently, and just would not seem to give up on it. Now I know I might not make it in on the first real shot this year, but I will not give up. There might be a good reason it's all taking this long.

If I do not get the director position, then I will most definitely petition so that I can go study abroad in South Africa for Spring Quarter. After that I'm not quite sure what I'll do besides walk in that damn graduation ceremony.

I'm thinking.. perhaps move to San Francisco? I have medical/office experience and I'll have my degree useful for the biotech industry. hopefully I can get a job there.. and I know a few people.. so, guess we'll see.

Everything is dependent on what happens with my application to medical school, and it's not practical to plan too far ahead. But, I've got a few good ideas. So, I'm going with it.

Mar. 16th, 2009

one test left for the quarter. then back to work. tomorrow.

tomorrow is also st. patrick's get DAF day. thus, tmrw will be: biochem test -> food -> doctor/PT appt (@work) -> work (since I'm there) -> green beer (or something of sort).

time to pick up my math test. just finished my vocab test.

not a bad quarter, although we'll see once i get this math test back.

my grandma passed away on friday. dad's mom. yep, that pretty much sums it up.
Continuing in my usual fashion, but quite abbreviated today, I find myself typing away again. I'm tired, somewhat brain-numb, and at this point I should probably just get a central line of caffeine. My last and a half have been non-stop. Study, sleep, work, fraternity, choose one of the above and that would be the likely choice of my action, although the second received lowest priority.

Although I'm slightly exhausted, and dreading the fact that I must go into work directly after my last final today (which happens to be the fabulous biochemistry), I have begun to compare myself to the joe of two years ago. Two years ago, when I had just hit the peak of the year that should have been the most important before I applied to medical school, I was nothing more than a depressed, lonely, mess of person, trying desperately to keep myself from drowning underneath my obligations. That quarter which ultimately decided for me that I would take last year off, that my friend base would change.. that my life would change.. that quarter that turned me into who I am now.. I want to thank it.

I'm not quite sure how my grades will turn out. I hope well, but at this point in time there is nothing more satisfying than the fact that I changed myself. I became the strong person I always should have been, the one that everyone else saw, except me. But now, I see him too. Through whatever path I seem to continue to wander I will be strong.

For whatever happens from now on, I now realize that I am strong for myself, and am becoming strong for others. I have not reached the top of who I eventually achieve to be by any means, but I am well on my way.

Delayed, but only in transposition by air

I'm in BOI waiting to go back home to SEA. This trip was much needed. I feel refreshed. I feel like I have real family. I feel like me.

I ran to the top of a the largest hill near my pseudo-family's house yesterday. The clouds veiled the valley, leaving me on top of the cover. Towards the brilliant blue sky and incandescent sun I screamed at the top of my lungs in an attempt to let out the elation that had been welling up inside. My body was unable to control itself, it was too much. I was an explosion of the physiological. My mouth was smiling, eyes were crying, my voice belting.. all in a harmony that I would have likely suppressed if there had been another soul around. I was free, only bound to the earth by my physical self, of which its covalent bonds were strained at best. This time I was contained, giving evidence towards the fact that I had much yet to do before I joined the ethereal.

I will be, I said. I will be... no... I am.

Xgiving

In accordance with my usual routine of posting on thanksgiving, here I am, typing away at the end of 2008. It's now been a little over four years since I started this journal. It's holds my holidays, my bests, my worsts, my insignificant nothings. Despite my embarrassment of ever admitting that I have this weblog, I cannot say that I do not cherish it, because of it's memory being ever better than mine.

This thanksgiving is being spent with my pseudofamily, the meiers. I am back in Boise, ID after a nice reprieve from this state which I used to call my home. Coming back many have noted that I am now a resident of washington state. I'm not quite sure if that means anything to me, besides the fact that I receive instate tuition. It is almost as though I have lost my original tie to this place. I am no longer of this province. I do not receive it's benefits, nor do I affect it in any other way than spending my tourist money. It seems somewhat traitorous to this land that I lived in for twelve years. I am better off by leaving, but I do feel slight pangs of sadness that I will never be here again.

I walked around downtown Boise yesterday with my mother who had come up from the fiefdom of Twin Falls. The streets were empty, likely due the fact that it was the day before thanksgiving. But, they were so empty as to make it seem that there was nothing left for even the people who lived here. It appears desolate, a dying organism that was once the town I believed to have great prosperity.

My views have changed of this place, instead of dreams, I see stagnation, or perhaps stasis. This town seems to achieved equilibrium. Peaceful, with the quaint touch of outdoors activities, but likely to be slow to adapt to the rest of the world. The achievements of others that will be likely to affect the world will not be discovered here.

I do tend to have exceedingly high expectations of those around me, but perhaps it is time that i just let this one be what it is going to be. I will not be putting in the effort to change it. It will be here, and perhaps that is what is also extremely comforting. Some part of my history that will never be changing. Ever consistent, with an occasional upgrade, like old family computer that occasionally receives the new operating system update when almost all programs have switched to it.

My four year anniversary of coming out to my mother is this break time. It is after four years though that I finally feel comfortable enough with myself to be myself in not only in this town but in all life. It took my escape from this town to be able to realize who I wanted to be, but it took my return and reconnection to it that has brought to where I am.

So, this thanksgiving, while I thank those in my life, I will also be thanking this town. Thank you Boise, thank you for giving me my life, my experiences, and the abilities to reflect on my own history and appreciate it.

Nov. 16th, 2008

today i went paintballing and then i started to learn parcour. i will be strong in body and mind. i am less afraid then i was before. all i need to do is jump, my body will figure out the rest. practice and visualization of the goal, my pathways to success.