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Saturday, September 26th, 2009
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5:09 pm
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i have swine flu...
but i just came back from john and yoko's wedding. it was amazing and i finally feel like i am where i am supposed to be.
life is tough, but it wouldn't be fun if it wasn't.
one last year of school. on my way out.
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| Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009
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6:56 pm
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i have little ability to manage my own money..
finals time again. then get out and work a lot to make money to pay off my steadily climbing credit card bill.
and take one class this summer. finish my minor.
find a research position.
my head hurts. caffeine withdrawal is a bitch.. that's what i get for forgetting my soda at the store.
summed up.
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| Sunday, April 19th, 2009
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4:23 pm
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I finish my minor this summer.
MCAT in august.
Genome/PChem/BioChem Lab in Fall (painful...).
PChem/Inorganic Chem in Winter 2010(finish my last minor*** AND MY MAJOR!!!!).
***[ A minor in chemistry when I'm a biochemistry major, excessive. Take one of the classes in the required electives [inorganic chem] and get the chem minor.. why not? I've already been here this long might as well get as much out of it as I can.]
Fucksake.. I'm slow at this whole thing, but I'm thinking it's worth it.
I applied for the Student Health Consortium Director position job at UW. It spurred the realization that I had come full circle from two years prior. In the major I should have been striving for at the time.. With the friends I should have had (minus the ones who have moved away).. The motivation and self-esteem I should have had.. The self-control I should have had.. The selflessness I should have had.. But, the past is nothing more than a reference point, and the important part is that I am where I am now.
It hurt then to know that I was nowhere near ready for my pathway. Yet, I kept spouting about it persistently, and just would not seem to give up on it. Now I know I might not make it in on the first real shot this year, but I will not give up. There might be a good reason it's all taking this long.
If I do not get the director position, then I will most definitely petition so that I can go study abroad in South Africa for Spring Quarter. After that I'm not quite sure what I'll do besides walk in that damn graduation ceremony.
I'm thinking.. perhaps move to San Francisco? I have medical/office experience and I'll have my degree useful for the biotech industry. hopefully I can get a job there.. and I know a few people.. so, guess we'll see.
Everything is dependent on what happens with my application to medical school, and it's not practical to plan too far ahead. But, I've got a few good ideas. So, I'm going with it.
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| Monday, March 16th, 2009
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10:18 am
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one test left for the quarter. then back to work. tomorrow.
tomorrow is also st. patrick's get DAF day. thus, tmrw will be: biochem test -> food -> doctor/PT appt (@work) -> work (since I'm there) -> green beer (or something of sort).
time to pick up my math test. just finished my vocab test.
not a bad quarter, although we'll see once i get this math test back.
my grandma passed away on friday. dad's mom. yep, that pretty much sums it up.
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| Thursday, March 12th, 2009
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7:48 pm - a little more than four years
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| Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
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7:24 am - One of these days I'll stop being so introspective.. hah
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Continuing in my usual fashion, but quite abbreviated today, I find myself typing away again. I'm tired, somewhat brain-numb, and at this point I should probably just get a central line of caffeine. My last and a half have been non-stop. Study, sleep, work, fraternity, choose one of the above and that would be the likely choice of my action, although the second received lowest priority.
Although I'm slightly exhausted, and dreading the fact that I must go into work directly after my last final today (which happens to be the fabulous biochemistry), I have begun to compare myself to the joe of two years ago. Two years ago, when I had just hit the peak of the year that should have been the most important before I applied to medical school, I was nothing more than a depressed, lonely, mess of person, trying desperately to keep myself from drowning underneath my obligations. That quarter which ultimately decided for me that I would take last year off, that my friend base would change.. that my life would change.. that quarter that turned me into who I am now.. I want to thank it.
I'm not quite sure how my grades will turn out. I hope well, but at this point in time there is nothing more satisfying than the fact that I changed myself. I became the strong person I always should have been, the one that everyone else saw, except me. But now, I see him too. Through whatever path I seem to continue to wander I will be strong.
For whatever happens from now on, I now realize that I am strong for myself, and am becoming strong for others. I have not reached the top of who I eventually achieve to be by any means, but I am well on my way.
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| Monday, December 1st, 2008
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12:43 pm - Delayed, but only in transposition by air
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I'm in BOI waiting to go back home to SEA. This trip was much needed. I feel refreshed. I feel like I have real family. I feel like me.
I ran to the top of a the largest hill near my pseudo-family's house yesterday. The clouds veiled the valley, leaving me on top of the cover. Towards the brilliant blue sky and incandescent sun I screamed at the top of my lungs in an attempt to let out the elation that had been welling up inside. My body was unable to control itself, it was too much. I was an explosion of the physiological. My mouth was smiling, eyes were crying, my voice belting.. all in a harmony that I would have likely suppressed if there had been another soul around. I was free, only bound to the earth by my physical self, of which its covalent bonds were strained at best. This time I was contained, giving evidence towards the fact that I had much yet to do before I joined the ethereal.
I will be, I said. I will be... no... I am.
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| Thursday, November 27th, 2008
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11:43 am - Xgiving
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In accordance with my usual routine of posting on thanksgiving, here I am, typing away at the end of 2008. It's now been a little over four years since I started this journal. It's holds my holidays, my bests, my worsts, my insignificant nothings. Despite my embarrassment of ever admitting that I have this weblog, I cannot say that I do not cherish it, because of it's memory being ever better than mine.
This thanksgiving is being spent with my pseudofamily, the meiers. I am back in Boise, ID after a nice reprieve from this state which I used to call my home. Coming back many have noted that I am now a resident of washington state. I'm not quite sure if that means anything to me, besides the fact that I receive instate tuition. It is almost as though I have lost my original tie to this place. I am no longer of this province. I do not receive it's benefits, nor do I affect it in any other way than spending my tourist money. It seems somewhat traitorous to this land that I lived in for twelve years. I am better off by leaving, but I do feel slight pangs of sadness that I will never be here again.
I walked around downtown Boise yesterday with my mother who had come up from the fiefdom of Twin Falls. The streets were empty, likely due the fact that it was the day before thanksgiving. But, they were so empty as to make it seem that there was nothing left for even the people who lived here. It appears desolate, a dying organism that was once the town I believed to have great prosperity.
My views have changed of this place, instead of dreams, I see stagnation, or perhaps stasis. This town seems to achieved equilibrium. Peaceful, with the quaint touch of outdoors activities, but likely to be slow to adapt to the rest of the world. The achievements of others that will be likely to affect the world will not be discovered here.
I do tend to have exceedingly high expectations of those around me, but perhaps it is time that i just let this one be what it is going to be. I will not be putting in the effort to change it. It will be here, and perhaps that is what is also extremely comforting. Some part of my history that will never be changing. Ever consistent, with an occasional upgrade, like old family computer that occasionally receives the new operating system update when almost all programs have switched to it.
My four year anniversary of coming out to my mother is this break time. It is after four years though that I finally feel comfortable enough with myself to be myself in not only in this town but in all life. It took my escape from this town to be able to realize who I wanted to be, but it took my return and reconnection to it that has brought to where I am.
So, this thanksgiving, while I thank those in my life, I will also be thanking this town. Thank you Boise, thank you for giving me my life, my experiences, and the abilities to reflect on my own history and appreciate it.
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| Sunday, November 16th, 2008
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11:56 pm
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today i went paintballing and then i started to learn parcour. i will be strong in body and mind. i am less afraid then i was before. all i need to do is jump, my body will figure out the rest. practice and visualization of the goal, my pathways to success.
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| Thursday, November 13th, 2008
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10:27 pm
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i'm finding my excessive hours of studying to be draining, but i'm feeling confident on my knowledge and ability to apply the material. it's interesting that i never had this same kind of group before for my classes that i have now to study with, because if i had not taken my year off i never would have met them, and would not have the advantages that i am currently receiving by knowing them.
i'd be lying if i wasn't nervous about having two tests tomorrow on the same day, but despite how they turn out (although I believe they will be B's at worst) I know that I am supposed to be doing what I am doing. i am intelligent, capable, and motivated. now i just need to get back to work and make sure that i am also ready for my microbiology test for tomorrow.
review/learn anything unlearned for microbiology --> home --> sleep --> wake --> starbucks --> review material for biochem --> biochem test --> study for microbiology --> lunch --> microbio test --> work --> rest :)
I work on saturday and hang with fellow pledges for planning on saturday night. On sunday ima shoot a bitch 'cause we be goin paintballin.
Then back to the grind on monday. Life is great.
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| Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
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9:06 pm
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well shit. i was right in thinking 2008 would be light years better than 2007.
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| Thursday, October 30th, 2008
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10:25 am
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| Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
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9:29 pm
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i should probably stop smoking cigarettes if i want to be a credible doctor.
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| Sunday, October 26th, 2008
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5:00 pm - the air i breathe
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yesterday was bonding with the people in my pledge class, which was done by making a trip to whidbey island. i'd never been to any of the islands since i'd been here, so having a chance to explore the unknown and be outdoors again was greatly welcomed. we trekked and made our way to fort collins which was short of our original destination of deception pass, but we had a little slow down by our youngest, who despite his many objections, does often run on gst (gay standard time).
the autumn sun was out and the air was brisk. the beach and the open fields where the fort resided were cooled by the crisp air blowing from the pacific. the tourists were few, leaving much room to run and explore. had i been on my own, i could have sat and thought for hours on end while taking in the scenery.
i had not, up to this point, experienced sea kelp before. it's an amazing plant, strong, rubbery, and reminded me much of surgical tubing. if it didn't degrade, i would wonder why we weren't using it instead.
i found myself questioned multiple times yesterday on my views on life, a theme that appears to make up my quarter. i don't think i can fully articulate them yet, but every time i do, i feel that i get a bit closer to understanding myself.
i find that although i have reached where last year i intended myself to be, i didn't believe that it would simultaneously come with the happiness that i now feel. i know i am not doing everything as perfectly as i would like, but let me sufface that with 'just yet'. i'm making my moves and dreaming big, but every goal takes little steps before reach them.
there is much beauty to behold in this world, whether or not i chose to see it before. i felt as if my eyes were opening, but i closed them three years ago. in doing so i had to find my way through the dark, and inevitably regressed. my progression has been over this past year and a half, and currently has brought me back to four years ago. this time i have the experience i needed then and the strength to further myself. now it is time to not only observe the beauty in the world, but help create it.
i was asked yesterday what my favorite word was and i chose existence.
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| Friday, October 3rd, 2008
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10:30 am
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i'm using my friend's discount and buying my mom a coach purse for her birthday... I will also be selfish and buy myself a coach signature messenger bag. it's fucking adorable.
i assume my loss of interest in video games has been supplanted by an overly expensive aesthetic in designer items. i know that at the end of everything my items will eventually degrade into it's original carbon components, but for now, i'm going to go play with the rich kids. because it just takes a look to get a bit further.
just like any one else who adheres to a certain style, i think i've found mine. unfortunately the items don't show up in thrift stores very often.
oh, i have glasses now. i should probably take an excessive amount of pictures and then pick the best, which is usually only two, and make them my front picture/avatar all over the internets. although, i should probably do my biochemistry quiz first.
ph and buffers are kind of amazing. we are kept alive by a system that has been named, studied and thoroughly researched, yet many have no idea it exists inside us.
the main point i've learned from my classes thus far: everything that we think about how life works is wrong. i'm excited to see where we will be in 20 years (if our civilization is still continuing).
lastly, sarah palin has no intellectual capacity. she has robotic features, easily programmable, often found in mid-level management types. unfortunately, those with high intellectual capacity and a drive to control the nation have found a way to turn her into a fashionable, tabloid mess of a perfectly incapable, inept candidate for the vice-presidential seat of what used to be a pretty damn good country. fuck her winking and the easily coaxed.
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| Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
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11:18 am
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so, in an effort to make some friends and connect with this whole gay community that i'm inevitably part of, i've decided to rush for the progressive men's (mostly gay) fraternity on campus. they don't have a house, which works for me, and the guys are pretty close, interesting, and have the common theme of going to college.
gives me a chance to meet some new people, network, and have the chance to do volunteer projects that will be available without me having to try and find them on my own. i'm kind of equating it to when i joined football my last year of high school (although I have a bit more of that for college), when i figured i'd regret it if i didn't do it.
so, here i go, a new gay joe. i'm somewhat disappointed i didn't decide to join them sooner, but i figure i wasn't ready to be myself prior to now. hence, the reason i dated ryan and thought that was okay.
tonight we are playing capture the flag. i figure i'll be an asset, because i'm somewhat of a badass runner now.
on a side note: microbiology is a bitch and i don't particularly care for it. but i've figured out my trick for making me want to study. learn the structures and the workings of bacteria/viruses so that i can DESTROY them. Antibiotics are amazing, they destroy the bane of my quarter.
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| Monday, September 22nd, 2008
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10:55 am
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So, I scheduled tomorrow off of work, and because of how work was on Friday, I didn't want to go today, so.. I'm sick.. *cough*. I love paid sick time. Now, I'm at a coffee shop, enjoying an iced americano and a bagel. With a MASSIVE amount of cream cheese. The cream cheese to bagel ratio in this case was ridiculous. I had enough cream cheese for three bagels.. and of course I used it all. It's fucking delicious.
I weight myself last week and I was 172. That's down from 255 last year. It took about a 1.5 years to lose the weight, but it feels good. And it's nice to be checked out consistently. I'd say I was much more discriminated against for being fat in Seattle than being gay, a nice change from Boise. Actually the most discrimination I've felt in Seattle is for smoking cigarettes. Not that I give a shit, but people are whiny and up their own asses about it. I mean, it's a horrible, poisoning habit and I probably shouldn't, but hey, only live once right? Haha, I have terrible logic, but honestly, I believe that the companies against smoking have done a great job informing me. I took that information and as a conscious independently minded adult I made my decision. Plus, menthols are kinda delicious.
Now, I'm going to get my books for my medical ethics class and then go talk to my PCP about my very possible ADD. Off I go!
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2008
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10:46 pm
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I don't have to work at the front desk tomorrow. I'm so happy, because I hate working at it. I would love to elaborate my endless thoughts on how much I hated it, but that would be excessive.
It's done. School starts wed. And everything has somehow fallen into place. I feel like I'm heading on the right path. It's nice to have the realization that I am not a fuck up when I try. I just smoked too much weed before.
Oh, and funny story, boy I had a date with last week used to date this boy josh, who is friends with gina, who lives back in oregon, where he was from. Life is small and interconnected.
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| Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
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9:55 pm
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school can't start soon enough
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| Saturday, September 13th, 2008
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9:20 pm
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I had my first date in 3 months. I guess that's not an incredibly long time or anything, but I guess it was nice to actually have someone worth my night. He was cute, smart, engaging, generous, etc. We cooked dinner at his place, which was romantic. Then we played Spore, on the pc, for 4 hours... which was actually kinda fantastic. It brought me back to my computer nerd roots. If there's any part of me I ever kept in the closet, it's my inner nerd.. not that it ever worked that well, but it's a nice revert from who I have become.
Some days though, going over to boys places who have so much more money than me, I often wonder how I'm able to converse with them. I often feel that I should just be like my family, lacking the ability to interact with those who might get them out of the endless holes of mediocrity that they've dug themselves into.
I shouldn't have such distain for their livestyles, especially if their happy, but I can't become that way. I feel like I've finally woken up from the deep slumber of this past year.
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crackedxhalo's journal